The Ugly And Beautiful Truth... Yet Again

Sunday night I was a little bit of a mess.

It was one of those times when I cried so hard my head felt it would explode and my eyes hurt... it literally hurt to close my eyelids.

Of course I was not in the greatest state of mind or heart, and I started feeling sorry for myself.  I wondered who would feel an impact if I were gone, would my kids of all people even care?  Poor me, I know!

As I was alone with my thoughts, after I was done crying, I thought of a quote I have chosen for this year, to go along with my word purpose.  I've changed the last phrase to fit me better (it's an 'unknown' quote so I don't feel bad doing that).

That is the ugly truth that slapped me in the face.

If no one cares if I'm gone, it's my own fault!

If my kids wouldn't know the difference, or choose me, or all of those terrible things I was thinking, it's because of my own choices.  

If I've made a difference in no one's life, or left a mark absolutely no where... it's my own fault!

The ugly truth is also the beautiful truth.

I am no victim... I always have a choice.

If that is my reality (which I know it's not, when I'm in a good place, but I wasn't there yet), than I have a choice to change it!

Make it different!

And so this week my focus has been giving even more, expressing more, a little more thoughtful, a little less selfish, to these people that matter most, making sure

I'm sure my presence is felt, and would be missed if it were gone.

The beautiful truth is that this process is healing.  This process is reaffirming.  This process puts into perspective what I lost in the first place, that led me to this place... was that confusing?

These little people give my life such purpose.  

There is much in my life that doesn't make sense to me.  There are things I don't see the purpose of, things I can't control, things I don't want to do, want to do, much confusion at times and so many answers I don't have etc etc.  

When I don't see much purpose, I still press on because this is my purpose right now.

As I have left little love notes, listened more carefully, snuggled for just a few more minutes, stopped to recognize, I have seen what I need to see, and have been rewarded with what I've needed to feel.

The ugly truth is life isn't always smooth and happy.

The beautiful truth is we can change it, and make it what we want it to be.

... 

Thankful for Meals On Wheels.

Monday was therapy for me.  I delivered for Meals On Wheels through a snow storm.  I did two routes because people couldn't make it in.  I tromped through thigh-high snow to get meals to little old people who were snowed in.  Each of them were surprised to see me, but oh so thankful.  I even shoveled one little lady's stairs.

Monday may have been a day I didn't want to get out there, but it was good for me to make a difference, in just a little way, to these people. 

I needed that on Monday.