The Proud and Not So Proud Moments In Motherhood

I'm actually going to start with the not-so-proud!

E stayed home from school a bit ago, he had hurt his ankle.

It was a Monday, which is the day I deliver Meals On Wheels.

We were at one of the last homes and as I was pulling the car out I spotted a dollar bill near the edge of the road.

Now, I had a bit of a moral dilemma... is it on the side of the road?  Is this the man's house?

Should I go tell him I found a dollar outside and ask if it's his?

Seriously... I'm looking around for 20/20 or some TV truck that is just waiting to see what I do!

I know Darryl (my MOW guy), he'd laugh at me and tell me it's my tip...

I asked E what we should do.

Mom, you gotta keep it!  I'm sure it's not his.  Let's get ice cream with it. 

After I ask what is more important - being honest or getting ice cream - he hits me with ICE CREAM!

Thaaaat's a proud moment!  When your kid tells you ice cream is more important than honesty!

I had to laugh...  And we drove off!!!

I'm such a good mom right?

I still sort of feel torn about this... in the mean time I have found another dollar bill in the 7-11 parking lot, and .75 in someone's driveway... I kept the money!!!  Let's see how much money I make before I ask someone if it's theirs, shall we?!!

Instead of ice cream I let E put the dollar in his bank.

Lest you think I am an awful mother, I did have a satisfying mother moment that same week.

My two oldest 12 and 11 used to be good buds, as kids are before they grow up!

Sometimes I feel like we are stuck in a rut, well, these two get stuck in a rut.  They do fine, then when one of them is ornery, they start to talk smug to the other, then it is just a slow spiral to the final blow up when one of them yells at the other.

This happened last week and the final blow was during dinner and about ended in food flying through my kitchen!

I separated the two, one in the kitchen, one in the dining room.

The feeling in our home was so yuck.  After everyone had calmed down I took these two yahoos up to my room for a little chat.

The way I was raised (with a mother who taught self help courses) was you talk about your feelings, this is a healthy way to express them, whatever they may be.  I think part of the escalating between these two is they both feel bad and that feeling is never resolved.

We had a little coaching/talk session.  Sometimes you just need a mediator to 

1- help you feel safe

2- help you stay clear with their feelings

3- to help you find the words for what you are feeling.

I started with our foundation...

This home, our family, we are in it for the long haul, for eternity.

This is our safety, this is our love, this is our core and center.

I don't want anyone in our home to feel like they don't belong, or they aren't respected and appreciated.

They both lay on my bed, the big pile of pillows between them, neither wanting to see the other.

It was a little more involved than this, but basically I wanted them both to:

- Identify 3 things the other does that hurts their feelings.  (EX: is sarcastic)

- Express 3 things the other does (for you, in general) that you like.  (EX: play basketball with me)

- Express 3 things -specifics- you admire about the other.  (EX: smart)

I mostly directed them and asked if the other could see why they would give those examples etc.

  

To hear each of them own and express their feelings, so the other knows how it is viewed from their perspective was informative for all of us.

To see each of them well up with tears as they expressed what they liked about each other was a really great moment in my life.

To see them express honesty, in a really vulnerable place, with each other was quite a tender experience.

To watch them awkwardly fist bump and air hug when we were done, brought the laughter back into our home.

We don't get to these places often, and we try to keep it positive in our home, but going into these tween years there are so many 'other' factors that play into how these two are treating each other.  It is easy to get caught in the tearing down, rather than the building up.  

Sometimes you just gotta lay it out there, keep it real, remember we are buddies.