The Lump... And Relief

Welcome back, well thanks!  I have been MIA, true story!

Two weeks ago I had one of the busiest weeks of my life with big deadlines for photography and my church calling.  I also had a million appointments taking me from the work I needed to do.  It was a stressful week and Matt was amazing to help so I could just work.

One of my appointments was a mammogram.  A bit ago I found a lump.  My OB didn't seem too concerned about it, but ordered a mammo anyway.  I waited and waited... wrote this blog post about my breasts... and finally decided it was time!

That stressful week, this was one of my appointments.  Me and every other woman in my area apparently felt it was time to make this appointment!

I really felt fine, wasn't worried about the C word at all.

Then, when it was my turn (after aLOT of waiting) they took me to the 'other' side.

I could feel the vibe when I walked in that waiting room.  This waiting room was for sonograms and ultrasounds.  There were some worried looks in that room.

I still felt fine!

I got my mammo... quite the experience.  I hear women complain about the boob smooshing, but man, like birth it is just something you have to experience to really 'get'!  Ouch!

After my 4d pictures they wanted to do an ultrasound on the lump.  Unfortunately I'd already been there for close to 2 hours... remember everyone in my town was there... and I'd not make it home for the kids if I waited.

I made an appointment to come back... for a week later!

I felt fine when I left my appointment, but I felt that diminish later that day.

You know, you can be perfectly healthy, young, and still your world can change in an intstant!  None of us seem to be immune to cancer.

There is no history of breast cancer in my family.  But, my dad did have cancer.  Who knows what triggers that?  It was not completely out of my realm to be facing this.

I am not afraid of death.  I do love to live.  What was I afraid of?  Plenty!!!

Did you read that post of my feelings regarding my breasts?  It took me a long time to overcome that challenge and to love my body.  If you add breast cancer to that, if I have to face another fight... oh man, I admit, that, that is what scared me!

I tried to remain calm!  I tried to stay positive.  I will believe I am just fine until I hear otherwise!  Buuuuuut, I was a little sensitive and fragile last week!  I admit it.  The possibility is what kept me on edge!

I haven't written about this, but this summer we had a bit of a scare and right as we got down to Lake Powell in UT I found myself driving to New Mexico to pick M up.  I won't go into details here, but for a good 2 hours I was running on adrenaline.  I practiced some serious Jedi mind power as I kept myself from thinking the worst.  I held to my feeling that he would be fine and I would believe that until someone told me different.  And, if he was not ok, I would deal with it when it hit me!  No need to put myself through that prematurely!

I did so good for two hours!  A whole week?  Man, it was tough, I won't lie!

I finally let it go.

Above all in this life I want to do the will of my Father.  I trust His plan for me.  I know whatever I face in this life is for my own growth and refinement.  I know that challenges I face allow me to call upon the power of my Savior's atonement and that strengthens me, that opens the windows of heaven to me.  I have felt the power of my Savior in my life.  I trust that.

So, as I knelt down to pray, I let it go.  I will do this.  I will face whatever comes my way and I will do it with faith, no fear!  I know I can do hard things and I know they will make me better.  I want to do His will.

Thursday was a slooooow day!  It was hard to focus on anything... My appointment was Friday morning and I was ready for it to just be done!  I was ready to focus on something else!!!

My appointment went super fast, what a difference it makes having an appointment not in October!  I wanted to go alone, mostly to convince everyone and myself that this was not a big deal!  I'm fine!  I got my ultrasound quickly!  The tech told me there was nothing else in my sono that was abnormal so they were just looking at this one lump.

The ultrasound also came back fine.  Whew!!!!  Relief!  The lump is still there, but it's nothing to be concerned about.  I had a quick conversation with the doctor and she said she'd send results to my OB.

Done and done!  I am so glad to have that over with!

I celebrated with my girls Molly and Amy over lunch!

I felt loved and supported through my little bits of anxiety, and through my bigger moments with tears!  So blessed!