My Breasts Teaching Me Life Lessons

I was clicking around the internet the other day, and found this post. (#loveyourboobsloveyourself)

It is this statement for women to love all parts of their bodies... specifically their breasts.  It is breast cancer awareness month, you know.  Speaking of I need to make my first mammogram appointment ever... been meaning to do that since August!

There is a part of me that feels like my blog is not the most appropriate place to be talking about such things.  I feel our bodies should be treated with respect and reverence and talking about our breasts (don't even want to use the slang) doesn't really do that.  

I feel like it adds fuel to the fire, jumping into this whole 'Love Your Boobs' wave.  In a way it gives more power to this ridiculous obsession our culture has with breasts.  In a way talking about them, bringing them into focus, conversing about them so much, really does give them power!

And yet I will sit here and write.  Why?

Because I am centered right now.  

Because I have finally won over my own demons.

Because I have hated this part of my body.

Because I cry when I think about me hating me.

Because I still feel so angry that women give in to this spiraling lie, that in order to feel our best, we have to look a certain way.  It lights up a fire within me.

Because I know how I have struggled with my own body image and as much as I believe I am divine, that who I become  is of eternal importance, I also believe that what I do with my body and how I treat it is also of eternal importance.  I am still human, and live in this imperfect world, and have to face scantily clad women, and victoria's secret commercials and pornography, and they all can do a number on us, if we let them.

So I will share my story... and if you are a brother-in-law, or male family friend, someone from church, this is your chance to look away! :)

Honestly though, I don't care who reads this!

I am not embarrassed talking about my body.  I am not embarrassed to share my own hardship and struggle.  This is my place to tell my story, and be honest, to share life from my perspective.

Glimpses of my early years include me asking my mom when I'd get my 'feeders', and pretending to nurse my dolls!  I remember trying on my mom's bra... don't even know if she knows that... and pretending I was a woman!

FF to teen years.  I don't think I actually put on another bra until 8th or 9th grade.  I remember feeling very 'ick' about the whole thing.  I hated how a bra felt and didn't like the idea of wearing one at all.  The boys noticed when I started wearing one, probably because of the strap, right, and I got snapped a few times, which led me to hate bra-wearing even more!  I went the sports bra route at that point!

I've never felt this breast hysteria!  I've never wanted to show cleavage, make them the center of attention, discussion or focus.  I've lived with them since puberty and wasn't all that impressed!  I didn't get what all the hype was about!  Still don't!

FF to adult life and all of the changes it brings!

First 'the pill', weight gain, then pregnancy, then loss, then more pregnancies.

Is this not part of our challenge?  Our bodies are always changing!

You could be doing just fine, then there is a life change, and body change, and you are faced with a new body!

2008

2009

I'd say for most of my life I have had a healthy self image.  

Being healthy, in all it's forms is important to me.  I am active, always have been.

I have embraced the changes my body has gone through and have loved every moment of it.  I really do love being pregnant.  I don't mind the journey back afterward.

My body has been all sorts of shapes and sizes and I have felt a myriad of feelings throughout, but my image of myself has remained healthy, accepting and loving.

Body-wise, I'm good to go.  Breast-wise, different story.

After I had my 4th child I found myself fighting a new battle.  The self image battle.  More specifically it was a new insecurity due to my breasts changing again!  And even more specific than that, it was how that directly related to my sexuality, or how I felt about it.

There were a number of factors at play and I felt myself losing my healthy self image grip.

I fell and struggled until I splattered flat on the ground, broken.  As the self doubt crept in I found myself falling into a spiral that I could not get out of, for years!

Let me be clear, because not all of me was broken, but this part was, and this is a large part of who we are, and when we share it with our spouses, it affects what we share together.

I was getting by, up and down, in and out of it, but it was always just lingering there.

I'd think I was doing good, feeling fine, then something would trigger me and I'd fall again, losing my confidence, losing my truth.

Um, like that one time we went to the DR for our 15th anniversary, and went out to play volleyball on the beach, only to find a group already playing... and then the group of Russian women watching them... topless!  

That did NOT do good things for me!

First, I flat out think it's wrong, but there was no rising above for me!  No, 'Yep, I get that may be culturally acceptable for them, let's move on!'

I was so insecure, that moment sent me into a self loathing spiral!!!  

I literally ran away, down the beach, by myself, and didn't come back for a good 1.5 hours!

I choose to live in somewhat of a bubble if you will.  This doesn't mean I am blind to what exists out there.  And I'm not naive to the laws of human nature and attraction.  And, no matter how many times my loving husband told me that I am all he needs, I would not believe him, I could not believe him! 

The irony is that these have been the years I have felt best, strongest as an athlete, thinnest..

2010

2012

Let this be a testament that our problems and answers do not lie in how thin we are.

Our problems, and answers lie in our minds, in our thoughts, in our belief.

Proverbs 23:7 tells us: For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.

I kept getting lost in many false beliefs.  I had gotten to where I was, because I chose to believe lies.  (I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about... I need to look a certain way for my husband; Sure he loves me, but do I really do it for him still?)  I was not strong enough to cling to truth, my own truths.  And so I would ride up and down, up and down.  Those around me, who love me, helped to sustain me, and continually remind me that HELLO life is about way more than breast size!  Let it go!  

I spent countless moments on my knees, pleading in prayer, at different times, for different reasons, regarding this issue.  There were times the only security I felt, the only strength and peace I felt were in those moments, when I felt my Savior's love, when i felt Him clear my mind and bring into focus who I am.  My 'ups' were those moments of clarity, when things were all in proper perspective.

It was last summer that I was fed up.  I was reading in Jacob chapter 2 which denounces the love of riches, pride and unchastity.  It talks about the Lord delighting in the chastity of women.

I don't intend to make any implications with this, it's just what this chapter is about.  The last few words of this chapter, are my point.  They say, '...many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds.'

These words rang true for me at that moment.  I felt my heart, my joy, my faith, dying.  As I continued to fight my battle, as I continued to allow doubt in, as I chose to dwell on, and think about my body and how it had changed, as I continued to entertain the thought that I am not good enough, that I needed to be something different, I felt my heart dying. 

This was not me, and I felt as if I was being swallowed up, and consumed!  Seriously these feelings I had were like cancer and were growing based on nothing!

Why would I let this happen?  

2006

It was in those next weeks that I stopped!  I made changes, I was done!  

Enough!!!

How?  It began with my thoughts, then my belief.

Our thoughts are fleeting.  They enter in, then back out again in a moment.  If we want to 'think' about them, we have to bring them back.  That is a choice right there.  That is a key choice for me, right there.  Let those negative thoughts fly right through, do not call them back.  It has made a world of difference for me!

I control my thoughts.  I choose not to think about 'what if' and 'maybe so'.  I choose to spend no time worried about what others are doing and comparing myself to them.  My journey is my own and as long as I live with integrity I am good to go.

Slowly, because my thoughts have changed, I have been able to bring in belief.  

This is also a choice.  

My husband tells me he loves me, and my body, all the time, it is my choice to believe him.  Now, I choose to.  I don't want to fight that.  I don't want to push this truth out, trading for lies that destroy my joy!  I chose to trust him, to believe him.

I choose to believe that my joy, even my sexuality has little, if nothing, to do with my breasts.  

I choose to love me, all parts of me.

I believe I am a work in progress, but 

I believe I am beautiful!

Above all I believe I am a daughter of God, that He loves me, that I am His.

This challenge has changed me.  I have learned so much.  It has taken me to new depths, new hardships and sorrow.  It has brought me to my Savior time and again, for relief, for clarity, for truth.  I feel a deep devotion to Him as I have felt nurtured and healed through His atonement.

I never want to go back to that place and as this past year and a half has gone on I haven't.  This process has worked and held true for me and I am empowered by my own choices to control my thoughts and believe truth.

I am seriously grateful for my body and all that having it is teaching me!

Who knew breasts could teach life lessons?