Flashback Friday: 9 Years Ago

Last night Matt reminded me that 9 years ago his dad Bob passed away.

As we heal and the depth of sadness we feel lessens, we still remember, and that is good.

We should always remember those we've lost. 

After all, these people we've lost are the people we love.  They were there, or weren't there.  They helped to shape who we were, and who we choose to become.  These people, the choices they made, the influence they had, left deep impressions on our hearts.  Parents do that.

This is a layout I did a long time ago... like years ago!

The journaling under the photo, (which ps I wish I'd never done... how annyoing it is to have to reach in there to read all of my thoughts... too bad so many of my pages are like this!) reads...

Seven boys carrying their father to his final resting place... carry on.

A family with an unexpected loss... carry on.

A name that was given, passed on, that will continue... carry on.

Memories, loss, growth, forgiveness and love... the memory of Bob will carry on.

Let's flash back to December of 2004... from my perspective.

Here are some photos of our family from that time... 

This one was actually taken at the funeral. 

We were living in VA, in the middle of Matt's first year of business school at Darden.

It was a Sunday.  The two kids and I came home after church and Matt had gone back to school to finish up his finals.

It was December, finals.  We'd be heading back to UT in just a few days for Christmas break.

As I got home there were several messages on our answering machine.  It was Rod, Matt's brother and he just told us to call him.

My heart pounded, of course something was wrong.  He'd called several times.

He told me the news.  Bob had had a heart attack that morning and was gone.

Rod was very adamant that I not tell Matt until he came home, until after finals.  Nothing would change what had happened and Matt needed to stay focused on his finals.

I didn't feel the same.  I would want to know, no matter what I was in the middle of, so I tried to get a hold of Matt.  I sent him an email to call home.

Of course Rod was right, I should've waited.  But, it's me here people!  I can't hold stuff in, I'm like a ticking time bomb. 

I cried for my husband, for his family, for Helen.  I wanted to tell Matt, I felt like he should know! 

Now that I can see so clearly behind me I

wish

I would've waited.  How selfish of me!  This was a big moment and my best friend went through it alone.  Those moments of first hearing the news, I was with him

on the phone

... I couldn't hold him, I couldn't look at him, I couldn't comfort him.  I'm a dork, and I totally regret that.

He, of course holds no ill feelings, and would probably tell you that he found comfort just being alone at that point.

Three days later we flew to UT.  It was so good to be engulfed by family.  Ironic to celebrate Christmas, to 'celebrate', and to do it without Bobby-Joe. 

I can only speak for myself, for the little bit that I knew my father-in-law.

He was a good man, who, like all of us, did the best he knew how.  That is all we can do.

I, of course didn't know him as a father.  I didn't have unanswered questions, unresolved issues, years of hurt, like we sometimes do as kids...

I know he loved his family though.

How do I know?  I'm a parent... parents love their kids, even when life is hard, even though we can't express it, even if our kids don't think so. 

We love our kids.  We sacrifice for them through hiccups in our marriage, we feel and cry for them when they struggle, we feel responsible for their failures whether we blame it on our DNA or bad parenting... even if we never fess up to it!  That is part of being a parent.

This man had 7 boys.  I love these men, they are good men, great men... and such good fathers.

This man, their father, helped shape who each of them are, who they are choosing to be... and they are good men.  I think sometimes they all forget just how great they are!  I'm so glad to know each of them.

We may never see the gifts we've been given, in struggle, if we can't ever let go.

This man has left many gifts and treasures in his wake. 

I'm so glad to have my Matthew, with all of his gifts, talents, insights, life lessons, he has a devoted heart... I thank his dad for that.  I'm so glad for the man he has become and chooses to be.  I'll forever be thankful to both Bob and Helen for the love of my life...

And, as I was looking through photos of our December trip to UT I found my own piece of heartache...

From our Cooper stay at the cabin.

I miss you my cute papa.  It's always good to remember... I love you!