My Crying Uterus... I Don't Want To Be Done

Let me flash you back to about June of 2008.

I had just had little baby O in April... isn't he cute?

As we had O I felt like maybe one more child would finish off our little family.

Of course we'd always said we'd take our growing family one by one, and just wait to see.

I think Matt was feeling like maybe three would be a good number, but we'd just had #3, so again, time does tell.

Can I interject here to tell you that my first two kids are 14 months apart.

It was challenging for me to get preggers w/ Q, but after that I was rearing to go.  I wanted to have my kids close together and just go for it! 

I was ready to get pregnant again right away after I had Q.

Matt thought it would take us a while again, so he agreed.

It didn't take us a while!  And I have two kids 14 months apart.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Matt told me he never wanted to do that again!

After G we waited, we'd moved across the country to VA, Matt was getting his MBA, things were busy.  So, we waited.

More issues causing us to wait, so when we thought we were ready for another child... um, nope, not yet!  We tried and tried, I wasn't ovulating... blah blah...

Then we got pregnant with O. 

Yea!  I loved it, I've loved every one!  I am that lady that loves being pregnant.  Oh how I love it!

Back to my story.

I was thinking after I had O, yes, one more and I think we're done.

Then just a couple of months later I found out I was pregnant!!!

Oh yes, pregnant!  I think maybe our first time back at it we scored!

However it is quite confusing because we were 'protecting'.

We certainly were not trying to get pregnant at all!

I think Matt was hoping we were done!

I'll have to go back and read about that, hopefully I wrote something.  I don't even know what would cause me to think I was pregnant.  Was I waiting for a cycle after just having a baby?  Were my boobs hurting?  How and why did I even think I was pregnant?  Hopefully I wrote something down, but that's not the story for today...

The story for today is this... after the shock of finding out I was pregnant with my 4th kid I immediately knew I was not finished having kids.  I wanted more than 4, just one more.

Maybe it was the desire to plan for my last one, to savor it, to cherish all of the things I'd only get to do one last time.  Not that I have had any luck planning!  Nothing about my childbearing has gone according to any plan!

I was just pregnant!  I feel like this little person was just late at the waiting dock... not fast enough to get into my #3 pregnancy, but not patient enough to wait!!!

My sister says that Heavenly Father knew Matt was going to close it off and be done, so he had to slip one under the wire!  Fair!

I don't know how, I don't know why, but I remember feeling it... I'm not done!

I felt it again later in my pregnancy and again right after I had E.

Here he is... love him!

I'm so sorry, this story is taking forever!

This has been the debacle for the last 4 years.

Matt and I agreed that we'd just take it a bit at a time.  I wanted to have more and he wanted to be done, we'd just let it play out and find our conclusion.

Certainly I will reach an age when I won't want to have kids anymore, or maybe time will pass and he'll change his mind.

We still are not concluded!

We have found compromise with big things in our marriage, probably the biggest... money, religion.

HOW do you compromise here though?  How do you find compromise with a person! 

You can't just have part of a person, or I just have a child and he has nothing to do with it.  No, we are in a real pickle!

Occasionally I feel it and I bring up the topic again... and we still remain where we are!

My neighbor told me to just get pregnant!

Who does that?

I'd have a case if I was the only real parent here, but I'm not.  Matt is a great father... really... great father.  He is involved with each of his kids.  He carries the load when I'm off doing my thing.  We are equal... not the SAME, but equal. 

If we can't decide together, we won't do it...

So I just sort of lose by default... the years are passing by.

NOW... last spring I was watching my friend Melissa's kids.  She had an appointment and came to pick them up after.  We visited for a minute then she told me about her appointment. 

As she hesitated... I got it...

You're Pregnant!  With #5!!!!  Yea!!!!

I gave her a hug and blinked several times.

We said goodbye, then I came inside and there it was...

A floodgate of tears and sadness... what the crap?

It really was like my uterus heard the news and was in mourning!!!

I'm so glad no one was home as I involuntarily started crying!

I didn't feel sad at that moment, or at least I thought...

But hearing my dear friend was moving forward... she and her husband on the same page, both of them in agreement, ready to welcome another into their home made me feel sad.

I felt sad because I really do want just one more.  

I am trying to let go and come to peace with the fact that it ain't happening, unless by some miracle, or faulty something!  I continue to try... 

I guess I'll be that lady that always talks about her regret.  I wish I'd had just one more.

Today I am thankful for Melissa and her baby.

She knows that I want another and I'm so glad her heart hears my pain!  She is so willing to share her little girl, not just with me, but with my kiddies!

My kids love the baby and it has been so fun to watch them love her.

I'm glad that they can have a piece of that somewhere in their lives.

E has been the sweetest with baby A.

He is so heartfelt and adores her.

He wants to go over to Melissa's to be with baby A.  He loves to make her laugh, feel her hands on his face, hear her sounds.  He loves her!

A while ago he asked me to choose a favorite house... my choices were our house, the Christensen's house (his best friend), and Melissa's house.  I of course chose our house.  E chose Melissa's.  Honestly I was surprised by this.  I thought he'd choose her house last.  I asked why, and his answer was because they have baby A.  He loves her.  He'd be a great big brother.

Do we all go through this?  Is there a mourning when we realize our young motherhood days are done? 

In my head I don't think it should be like this.  I see women choose to be done and feel happy to close the door on that chapter, feeling good and complete.  I'm just not there.

So, me and my uterus continue to move on!  Every day I get a little older, but I still haven't lost hope!  Old people have kids all the time!  We move farther away from diapers and no sleep, high chairs and car seats, each day.  I'm no longer the mom with little babies.  I don't go to play group, and I slowly lend or give away baby things stored in my basement. 

Great thing we Mormons have lots of babies!  Every Sunday there are a plethora of babies I get to love on!  It's not the same, it's not that little person that I feel completes our family, but it does help with the 'mothering' that I so miss.

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